BY MICHAEL MUSTO | The year is not really over until Lizzo sings (in an old video, of course). And until I weigh in, as it were, with my reminiscences of the giddy highs and appalling lows of 2025. It’s a wonder we got through it all—and now this! Here goes:

ALCOA AWARD FOR THE LEAST TRANSPARENT TRANSPARENCY | Department of Justice (DOJ) Attorney General Pam Bondi said she had the Epstein client list on her desk and would get right to work on it. She then thought twice about all that and changed her spiel to, “There is no list!” Trump then seemed to agree that there was no list, but if there was, it was a hoax that somehow Obama had created, and it was to be totally ignored! After having relentlessly campaigned on revealing the list, he decided, “STOP TALKING ABOUT EPSTEIN!” He even called MAGA followers who continued to harp on the subject “stupid” and “foolish.”

At the same time, Speaker of the House Mike Johnson shut down Congress for over a month rather than have them vote as to whether to release the files. So much for this all being so dreadfully unimportant! And meanwhile, the DOJ was meeting with Epstein accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell to see if perhaps “Jizzy” had something illuminating to say on the record about who was involved in these horrible rapes—in response for a switch to a minimum security institution, clink clink. With Maxwell’s entire future in the hands of one tyrant, you can be sure she was going to be even less honest than in her past Q&As. And then, Johnson decided that Trump was actually the hero of this whole mess, having worked undercover with the FBI to bring Epstein down. WHAT? Thanks for the laugh, Mike (which was later retracted). But sorry, you’ll have to work a little harder on the transparency thing.

OUR MOST UNEXPECTED SAVIOURS! | Trump’s billionaire buttplug, Elon Musk, started growing disenchanted with “The Manchurian Cantaloupe” and in June, he angrily posted that Trump was in the Epstein files, as jaws dropped around the world. This was definitely more interesting than Blake Lively versus whatshisname! Meanwhile, another rich creepazoid and one-time Trump ally, Rupert Murdoch, momentarily developed a spine and wouldn’t stop his Wall Street Journal from publishing extremely damning things about Trump’s involvement with…yep…Epstein. And all of a sudden, Musk and Murdoch were my two biggest heroes and warriors for truth! Kidding. Don’t worry, I have this all in perspective.

OUR MOST TWISTED SAVIOUR? | No, wait. Just then, Georgia Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene realized that her constituency was really pissed about all the Epstein secrecy (and a blue-wave election that was proving it). The MAGA masses wanted to finally nail those big time pedophiles, after having been promised that would happen, and they felt deeply betrayed on the whole issue. So Marge openly went against Trump and demanded the files’ release! Watching her rail at Trump like a screaming gibbon was deeply gratifying, but again, don’t worry. I know who to root for here: No one!

AND FINALLY… | As more and more Republicans in the House were about to vote to free the files, Trump realized he was in for a crushing blow that would look bad for him, so he did a sudden about face and claimed that he was desperate for everyone to vote in favor of the release. This way, he could say, “This is a win for me. It’s what I wanted,” hoping we would ignore his past year of nonstop yammering in the other direction. (He also hoped we’d ignore the fact that, though his administration had already released some files, they happened to be the same ones that were made public years ago. We didn’t.) But now that Congress did indeed vote for the files’ emancipation, Trump is faced with the ultimate Sophie’s Choice: Either put up roadblocks to the actual, full release (like the way his DOJ launched an investigation into Dems’ involvement with Epstein; this way, they can claim, “With an open investigation going on, we can’t possibly make the files public”) or use a lifetime supply of Sharpies to furiously edit the names that appear in there. Either way, 2026 promises to be extremely gross. (And now that Marjorie has thrown her hands up and quit Congress, it’ll be even ickier with her inevitable appearance on Dancing With The Stars.) 

BEST TWITTERVERSE RESPONSE TO REPUBS WANTING TO RENAME THE KENNEDY CENTER OPERA HOUSE AFTER MELANIA TRUMP | “Next to the Stormy Daniels Playhouse?”

BEST TWITTERVERSE NAME FOR CHERYL HINES | The Marvelous Mrs. Measles

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR | There were many to choose from, but I’d have to say the worst of all was Florida Governor Ron DeSantis ordering the painting over of rainbow colored crosswalks intended as memorials to the shooting victims of Pulse nightclub in Orlando. Can you imagine anything more narrow mindedly nasty? The beautiful homages had been approved by the state and caused no problem whatsoever—though I guess paying tribute to people murdered for happening to be at a gay club was just too “woke” for the endlessly petty DeathSantis. Too bad for him, appalled communities got together and chalked over DeSantis’ white paint job to bring the rainbow right back. Again and again. This story ain’t over yet.  

SECOND LOWEST | In between testifying that Lindsey Graham is gay, looney Laura Loomer defended herself for having said that Marjorie Tayler Greene has Arby’s in her pants. You had to be there.

RFK JR’S MOST CONTRADICTORY COMMENT OF ALL | Testifying before the Senate, the Secretary of Health and Human Services said that Trump should get the Nobel Peace Prize for having the covid vaccine developed under his administration. But Kennedy had just insanely stated that the same vaccine had killed even more people than COVID itself! Bwahaha. Caught between an ass kiss and a conspiracy theory will, as usual, leave you out in the cold without a Tylenol.

AS IMMIGRANTS WERE INDISCRIMINATELY DRAGGED OFF THE STREET BY POWER-HUNGRY MEN IN HOODS, THE HARDEST HIT INDUSTRY WAS… Fake tans.

And what the hell….

THE LEAST SURPRISING BREACH OF CONTRACT SUIT EVER | Gay megamogul David Geffen’s hot, half-a-century-younger model ex, Donovan Michaels, sued Geff, insisting, “He treated me like an object.” NOOOOOO!!!! Update: Michaels withdrew the lawsuit, probably after hearing hearty laughter and many “Duhs” emanating from the courtroom. I mean, what next? Barry Diller will write a book where he comes out as gay? (Whoops!)

AND HERE’S ONE LAST UPDATE RE THE EPSTEIN FILES  There are rumors that Trump swears he’ll release every last word of them in about two weeks. Bwahaha. Happy 2026.

MICHAEL MUSTO | Musto is a columnist, pop cultural and political pundit, NYC nightlife chronicler, author, and the go-to gossip responsible for the long-running (1984-2013) Village Voice column, “La Dolce Musto.” His work appears on ChelseaCommunityNews.comas well as thedailybeast.com, and he is writing for the Village Voice(which debuted in April of 2021) and RAG Magazine (which debuted in October of 2025). Follow Musto on Instagram, via @michaelmusto.

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