BY MICHAEL MUSTO | If you recognize yourself in the following list of the dozen worst types of Facebook regulars, don’t worry—I recognize myself too. In fact, I based some of the entries on behavior I’ve found myself engaging in, against all reason. But that doesn’t mean you might not be culpable as well. We’ve all done it, we’ve all seen it… and now, I’m gonna lay it all out for you. The worst Facebookers of all are:

THE BRAGGERS | The ones who know that Facebook provides them with a captive audience of people they’ve approved, so they can boast about the slightest thing—“I almost passed my Bar exam”; “I finally found my cell phone” —and those “friends” will line up to applaud them as if they’ve cured a terminal illness. This enforced ego boost deludes the narcissists into thinking they’re wildly fabulous, until they leave the house and suddenly the yay-sayers aren’t there anymore. And by the way, those yay-sayers are on my list too.

THE COMPULSIVE TV/STREAMING WATCHERS | Similarly, I can’t stand the Facebookers who think that watching a TV or streaming show is some kind of an accomplishment. “I just binge watched all eight seasons of The Mare of Mulholland Drive!” they will crow, like a cat holding out a dead mouse for approval. OK, so basically, you stayed home, laid down, and watched TV and you want an award for it? Sorry, I’m busy chewing cut glass right now.

THE ONES WITHOUT OPINIONS | “Just saw Tiger King 2. Thoughts?” Yeah, my thoughts are that you can’t even be bothered to come up with your own point of view, and also, you must be a horrible real-life friend because you expect everyone else to do all the work. I’d help you out a little here, but sorry, I get paid to give my opinion.

THE CRY FOR HELPERS | I don’t mean the poor souls in serious need of help (though their public screaming fits on Facebook might not always be the best route to healing). I’m talking about the self-pitying martyrs who just want some free absolution (“Send light!!!”) or who are always in some overheated panic that is purely based on a constant need for attention. “I’m gonna kill myself,” they promise, but two minutes later, they’re bragging about having successfully microwaved pizza. It’s just another form of narcissism.

THE THREATENERS | These bristling fools are like the Suicide Squad I just mentioned, but on a much smaller scale, one which involves them continually trying to flex their Facebook muscles to force complete strangers to show respect. You know: “If I find out you support Trump, I will block you!!!” As if some MAGA out there is trembling in their combat boots over potentially being blocked by a Drag Race watcher. And why did you friend them in the first place? Worse: “I am going to leave Facebook! It just doesn’t suit me anymore!” And then the next day, “So, back to my pizza…”

THE DIM BULBS | I’ll write about a bar and even put a link in the posting, and the first comment inevitably is, “Where is it located? ” “Click on the link, darling,” I feel like replying, “or perhaps just let Google be your friend.” Equally bad are the ones that never get the joke. They suddenly become Rose Nylund from The Golden Girls as they moan, “You mean there’s really a Christmas song called Phylicia Rashad?” Oh, hush. Please block me.

THE BEGGARS | Again, I don’t mean those in dire need of survival money, without any other means of getting any. I’m talking about the folks who are burnt out and most of all just plain lazy and would rather beg in public than even try to get a job. And once their grifting starts, there is no end to it. “I’ve reached half my goal” is somehow followed by, “I’ve now reached a third of my goal.” These people are never very good at meth, I mean math.

THE “TMI” CROWD | You know: “Here’s a picture of my stent”; “Here’s my ass after a colonoscopy where the anesthetic ran out”; “Here’s my best friend’s uncle’s body right after he died in the hospital.” Way too much information, especially since I’ve never met or even heard of these people. The same over-sharers tend to also relentlessly bring on the minutiae of their daily routine: “Here’s my Yankee bean soup…. My dog… My avocado toast… My goldfish… My dog eating the soup, the toast, and my goldfish…” Ugh. What did these people do before social networks existed? Maybe they had real friends—or actually kept some things to themselves?

THE ONES WHO SPEAK ONLY IN EMOJIS | No matter what you post—“I won the lottery”; “Stephen Sondheim died”—they will respond with a long array of hearts and roses, with no words attached. It’s the kind of thing even a monkey could have typed—and possibly did.

THE MEMORY REPEATERS | “Seven years ago, as you’ll recall, I waited on the Assistant Borough President of Staten Island when he went to the Denny’s I work at. Here, again, is the photo….” No!!! It was bad enough the first time!!! For me, “Throwback Thursdays” always tend to become “Throw Up Thursdays.”

THE “HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAD CELEBRITY” CROWD  | I liked Della Reese, but I didn’t care much about her birthday when she was alive, so why would I give a shit about it now??? I get that commemorating icons’ birthdays is a way to honor them, but do I really need to pay my respects every time a Pointer Sister’s birthday comes along, especially one who long ago took the “Jump” into the afterlife? Should I send flowers to the grave? And then there are the people who use celebrities’ deaths as a chance to remember the time they harassed the star for a selfie—and, of course, to run the photo! Help! It’s a throwback to a throwback!

THE ARGUERS | If you say Lady Gaga gave a good performance in a movie, they’ll beg to disagree and insist she was terrible. If you say she could have been better, they’ll accuse you of smearing her and wonder what your deep-rooted psychological problem is. These people don’t have a real point of view on anything, they just live to disagree with—and/or correct—you all the time, and Facebook gives them ample opportunity to do just that, making their life one big “Gotcha!” moment. They’re even worse than the “no opinion” crew; they’re delighted to come up with an opinion, as long as it’s an irritatingly contrary one. Worst of all is when they lecture you on what should or shouldn’t be on your Facebook page, as if this is somehow a paying gig for me and they are in some way forced to read it rather than just scroll along. Well, guess what, honey? You’re blocked. Gotcha!

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Michael Musto is a columnist, pop cultural and political pundit, NYC nightlife chronicler, author, and the go-to gossip responsible for the long-running (1984-2013) Village Voice column, “La Dolce Musto.” His work regularly appears on this website as well as Queerty.com and thedailybeast.com, and he is writing for the new Village Voice, which made its debut in April of 2021. Follow Musto on Instagram, via musto184.

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