BY MICHAEL MUSTO | Still on Facebook? Join the dwindling club. But even though we’re basically dinosaurs roaming the social landscape in search of a branch to nibble on, there are still rules as to how to behave there. Let me make it easy for you. Here’s what NOT to do as a Facebook user.

Don’t act as if the world is waiting for your take on every single story out there. | There are few things more excruciating than the page of someone no one’s ever heard of who thinks they have to weigh in on everything that happens to Britney, Jada, Beyoncé, Gaga, Trump, and anyone else in the public eye. Why don’t these armchair commentators ever notice that their endless brain flatulences never get more than three likes, including from close relatives? Take a hint! Plug up your overflow of opinions until you get a call from The View begging you to come on. Stop turning my life into a relentless exercise in “Snoozing for 30 days!”

Also, please don’t tell us every single thing that happens to YOU. | Mind you, I’m delighted that you just made butternut squash soup. I’m thrilled that you really, really love your husband. And I’m upset that you have a goiter. But there is no actual need to go public with any of that. We are not your free therapist. And just because you might encounter a few stray souls like yourself who are all too willing to cheer you on—“That soup looks amazing! That goiter looks awful!”—that hardly means much in the real world. Brace yourself, but a Facebook friend is not gonna be there for you when you’re in a real crisis. Perhaps call your actual friends with your private information. And try to maintain some dignity in public!

Don’t rewrite history. | If you had a subscription to Andy Warhol’s Interview magazine in the 1970s, that doesn’t make you “A Warhol Superstar.” If you were the assistant stage manager at a Pennsylvania dinner theater for two weeks, that doesn’t qualify you as a “Broadway bright light.” Stick to the facts, ma’am.

Avoid dictatorial pronouncements like, “If you don’t agree with me that Gerald Ford was the best President we ever had, then I will block you!” | No one is quaking in their boots over this possibility, especially since you’re obviously nuts.

Don’t post a comment that has absolutely nothing to do with the thread. | If someone’s just posted a screed about terrible service they got at a dry cleaner’s, don’t leave a comment saying that your documentary about potato salad is screening for the public next Thursday. It’s really a stretch to say that that’s relevant in any way. In fact, please don’t post it anywhere.

Don’t use a celebrity’s death as an opportunity to share the fact that, for example, you never liked Friends. | It’s really a weird time to come out with that.

Also, please don’t relay the time you were in the same elevator as said celebrity and basically nothing happened.  | Who cares? The celebrity’s death—and life—had absolutely zero to do with you. You were not even in the top 10,000 people in their life. Stop feeding off their loss.

Conversely, don’t praise a rotten celebrity just because they died. | This is not the time to say wonderful things about Rush Limbaugh. It’s never the time. And if you go there, I will unfriend and block you!!!

Don’t threaten to leave Facebook because you can’t take it anymore. | We all know you’ll come crawling back like Glenn Close at the end of Fatal Attraction.

Don’t wish “Happy Birthday” to complete strangers on Facebook. | First of all, get a life. Secondly, they might act grateful that you noticed, but the reality is, you are now contributing to their having to spend their entire birthday writing “Thank you” to people they don’t know. Have a heart—a REAL heart, not an emoji.

Don’t DM inane shit, especially to people you don’t know. | Don’t send them random videos of belly dancing monkeys and leaping goldfish all day. It becomes like a non-paying series of assignments. (“Watch this! Watch it till the end!”) Also, kindly refrain from DM-ing longshot demands like, “Call me. I want to discuss something.” Who the f**k are you???

And don’t tag me in things that have zero to do with me! I have better things to do than “Remove tag” all day!!! | Other than that, just relax and be yourself. See you on Facebook. Mwah.

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Michael Musto is a columnist, pop cultural and political pundit, NYC nightlife chronicler, author, and the go-to gossip responsible for the long-running (1984-2013) Village Voice column, “La Dolce Musto.” His work appears on this website as well as Queerty.com and thedailybeast.com, and he is writing for the new Village Voice, which made its debut in April of 2021. Follow Musto on Instagram, via @michaelmusto.

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