BY MICHAEL MUSTO | I vividly remember seeing films with my parents when I was a kid and becoming confused when a harsh word was said by an actor and the entire audience reacted by shrieking in horror. I’d turn to my mother and whisper, “What did that word mean?” and she’d weirdly refuse to answer, making me even more bewildered. The enforced secrecy of it all drove me crazy!

At least my parents were consistent. Around the same time, they would studiously avoid ever saying any “curse words” at home—in English, anyway. If they felt like lapsing into the four-letter stuff, they would always say the Italian version, so I wouldn’t understand it! (Though I started getting the hang of the words after a while; I’m not dumb. And sure enough, the only Italian I ended up knowing were the curses!)

All of this demonization of “bad words” made me feel that it was absurd to keep these sayings under wraps and layered with such shame-based, hushed phrasing. I always wanted to yell, “If you’re going to say it, just say it! And tell me what it means!” Instead, I simply waited a few years and found myself saying them all the time, sometimes in inappropriate situations. I think it was my way of removing the stigma, while also getting a kind of reckless kick out of it all. Sort of a “There, I said it! What was so bad?” situation.

And now that I’ve submitted you to a really banal bout of Freudian self-analysis, let me tell you about some of those times when I publicly blurted all kinds of stuff that normally comes with asterisks. Here are some of the most memorable examples, for fuck’s sake:

LADY BOSS | Bestselling novelist Jackie Collins publicly praised me and was always super friendly, but when I interviewed her onstage for a book event in ‘01—having been handpicked by hers truly—I slipped and said the words “fuck and suck” in the context of the conversation, as I described a potential plot device. I didn’t think that would be so awful to a trashy romance novelist, but I guess hearing those words booming through the sound system at Barnes & Noble was not exactly her idea of a literary salon. The next time I saw Jackie, she steadfastly avoided my gaze. I hadn’t realized she was such a delicate broad!!!

DIS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN | Similarly, I interviewed Broadway legend Chita Rivera onstage at the LGBT Center in ‘04. I used some saucy language along the way, as I was often wont to do. But who cared? I got a great response from the crowd, who laughed at my jokes and seemed to appreciate my observations. But when Chita’s handler approached me after the talk was over, he didn’t thank me for doing the (nonpaying) job; he simply scolded me for my colorful language. Who did they think they were booking? Letitia Baldridge?

54 WAY BELOW | I was booked to do a disco show at the Uptown cabaret room 54 Below in 2013 and warned one of my guest stars, singer Joey Arias, that this was a classy place, not like the usual clubs we played, and he should avoid saying or singing anything too racy. What a hypocrite! Smack in the middle of our duet of Thelma Houston’s Don’t Leave Me This Way, I found myself riffing and scatting, making up lyrics like “Here we are at Studio 54…Like a dirty whore!” And it went off from there. OMG. I don’t know what to say, except “Fuck! Sorry, Joey!”

THE UNSINKABLE DEBBIE REYNOLDS | In 2016, I was booked on a few TV shows to talk about the legacy of squeaky-clean movie star Debbie Reynolds, who had passed. On two different shows, I mentioned Debbie’s rumored affair with Bewitched costar Agnes Moorehead and why Debbie had personally told me the rumors weren’t true. (“Agnes was a very religious woman!” insisted Debbie, bizarrely. So if she wasn’t, they would have dated?) In both cases, the hosts—including a gay one—looked sick when I dared to bring up potential lesbianism. I felt sick too, wondering what was so offensive.

SMALL DICK ENERGY | A long running party thrower booked me to perform in her weekly revue at a trendy event space. Her diminutive ex-husband was there, so in my brief time on stage, I tossed in zany jokes about how he has a tiny one and people always tell him, “If you fuck me and I find out about it…” I wasn’t asked back.

DON’T BEND OVER, DARLING | I was booked to pre-tape a cable news segment about a low-level celebrity who’d been busted for a crime and was headed to jail. My idea of an astute comment was, “I guess he’ll find out what it’s like to be somebody’s bitch!” I hadn’t quite felt the temperature of the room, I guess. I had to retape my remarks.

GETTING REAL WITH COUNTESS LUANN | “Real Housewife of New York” Luann de Lesseps generously invited me to be a guest star in her act at—yep, 54 Below, the site of my previous oral diarrhea. We had gotten along well and done various events together over time, and her crowd felt a lot feistier than the usual cabaret audience, so I thought nothing of quipping to them, “Isn’t Luann gorgeous? If there was one woman I was going to fuck, it would be her!” It was supposed to be a compliment, but it came out exceedingly crass and was far from my shining moment. Luann and I are still friends, but I haven’t been rebooked and we are definitely not getting married!

WHO’S THAT GIRL? | When I taped a bit as the guest bartender on Andy Cohen’s WWHL (Watch What Happens Live) in 2013, Andy asked me on the spot for some gossip. Obviously, I couldn’t go into some elaborate story, so I resorted to a very quick (and silly) blurting: “Madonna’s a bitch!” When I watched the show, the volume on that remark had been brought way down.

GOOPS, I DID IT AGAIN! | Speaking of vajayjays: I was booked to discuss Goop—Gwyneth Paltrow’s money-making lifestyle resource–on a NewsNation show. I wasn’t planning to mention Gwyneth’s notorious vagina candle, but the host did, and she was giggling about it. So I interjected, “Well, I’m gay, so I have no interest in that candle!” That wasn’t even that dirty—and the host had started it by going there—but I only got booked one more time on that channel. Maybe hundreds of gays wrote protest letters saying, “How dare you stereotype us as people who don’t love vaginas”?

DOUBLE JEOPARDY | Famed actor Andrew Rannells was talking to me about Lena Dunham, since he had been on her show Girls. He admiringly said that he would basically do anything for her. Well, I don’t know what possessed me, but I deadpanned, “Even DP? Double penetration?” As I said that, I instantly started mentally kicking myself in horror. After all, this was a celebrity interview subject, not one of my trashy movie club members. Rannells smiled, but didn’t seem to get what I was saying (thank God), so I idiotically repeated it! And it made no sense—he’s gay. And professional. And who would the other penetrator be? Josh Gad? This is one instance where I wish I could do a Cher and turn back time. As for everything else, fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke!

Michael Musto is a columnist, pop cultural and political pundit, NYC nightlife chronicler, author, and the go-to gossip responsible for the long-running (1984-2013) Village Voice column, “La Dolce Musto.” His work appears on this website as well as Queerty.com and thedailybeast.com, and he is writing for the new Village Voice, which made its debut in April of 2021. Follow Musto on Instagram, via @michaelmusto.

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