BY MICHAEL MUSTO | Like an embarrassing itch, Broadway jukebox musicals just won’t seem to go away. Whether they tell the life story of the musical artist whose hits they use (like The Cher Showand Tina) or they string those songs together to construct a fictional, unrelated narrative (like Mamma Mia! or The Heart of Rock and Roll), these shows appeal to monied customers who want to relive their early days via the glistening soundtracks of their youth. Well, it’s got to stop! The genre has become way too cliched, and besides, they’re running out of musical artists. Here are eight jukebox shows that I live in constant fear of.

READ MY LIPS: THE MILLI VANILLI STORY | The 1980s German duo Milli Vanilli—a/k/a Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan—were riding high until it turned out they had been dubbed and were lip synching the whole time. They were basically cheesier versions of Lina Lamont in Singin’ in the Rain. The guys’ Grammy was promptly revoked and they were ruined, with no one responding, “Girl, I’m Gonna Miss You.”

But some redemption might finally be achieved with this jukebox show, in which script writers will “blame it on the rain”—or just about anything—rather than have the Milli V brand take responsibility for their sham legacy. The show will star two queens from Drag Race (out of drag, sort of), who will lip synch for their lives!

LOVE IN THE AFTERNOON | In 1976, Afternoon Delight was a surprise #1 song with its cheery harmonies and dirty innuendos. Starland Vocal Band, the pleasant yet pervy sounding quartet which recorded the song, made a splash with it, then quickly faded into obsolescence, getting a brief reprieve from the remainders bin when it was used sardonically in Anchorman. This show will cover their tawdry triumph, as well as the flop follow-up albums, disastrous TV variety show, and unmentionable solo careers. It will all be as memorable as a midday orgasm that happened 48 years ago. Or did it?

IT’S RAINING WOMAN | From 1982 to ’88, the Weather Girls were a big-lunged disco duo consisting of Martha Wash and Izora Armstead, belting the rollicking It’s Raining Men all the way to the top of the charts. Due to rights issues, this show will focus only on Izora, meaning you will only hear her half of the vocals (“You better listen!”), as well as witnessing her riveting life story. (The woman loved to sing—and cook.) Jennifer Holliday stars.

SHADDAP YOU FACE, THE MUSICAL | Shaddap You Face was a freak one-shot hit by someone named Joe Dolce, sung in broken English. (“What’s-a matter you?”) Rather than tell Dolce’s story—which no one even knows—this jukebox show will be a musical look at the witness protection program, starring Joe Pesci as a wiry Italian American who is endlessly on the run. Keep it under wraps for now.

“DUCK” FOR COVER: THE RICK DEES MUSICAL | Disco Duck was a quack-ling number one novelty number by Rick Dees in the 1970s, but people forget that Dees also did the theme song to the movie Meatballs. The man is definitely accomplished enough to have his own jukebox show already! In comes Julie Taymor (The Lion King) to draw upon Dees’ oeuvre and fashion a puppet-based tale of a lonely waterfowl who strays from the flock to follow his dream. Hugh Jackman stars as a contentious cock.

BOYLE ME SOME STANDARDS: I DREAMED A DREAM | Susan Boyle is the dowdy, middle-aged Scottish lady who became an unlikely sensation by belting show tunes on Britain’s Got Talent in 2009. What followed were breakdowns and makeovers and more breakdowns, with Boyle never feeling quite comfortable in her overnight fame. Patti LuPone stars.

NEPO, THE ROCK OPERA | Lorna Luft directs Maya Hawke, John David Washington, and North West in this overly confident tale of pride and privilege. The score will consist of classic songs by Dweezil and Moon Unit Zappa. No auditions will be held.

WHITE, THE MUSICAL |Few people knew the pain experienced by Vanilla Ice as an oppressed Caucasian male appropriating rap for the smash 1990 hit Ice Ice Baby. He just never felt right about it! Add the fact that Madonna was always calling for booty hookups, and the poor guy really went through a lot. And so will you if you pay to see this rather pale jukebox show. Enough! And no, let’s not do Stacey Q either! Or Rebecca Black! Or Bo Bice! Or Right Said Fred!…

Michael Musto is a columnist, pop cultural and political pundit, NYC nightlife chronicler, author, and the go-to gossip responsible for the long-running (1984-2013) Village Voice column, “La Dolce Musto.” His work appears on this website as well as Queerty.com and thedailybeast.com, and he is writing for the new Village Voice, which made its debut in April of 2021. Follow Musto on Instagram, via @michaelmusto.

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