BY MICHAEL MUSTO | If you care about honoring quality, tune in to the Oscars on March 10—but if you’re like me and you think it’s more fun to shoot spitballs at schlock, you’re in the right place. I’m the esteemed host of the Annual Gaffie Awards, and there are no losers here. No, wait a minute, I meant there’s nothing but losers here. I only give trophies to those who have majorly screwed up—and they are non-returnable, by the way. Here’s to the worst of 2023:

WORST FACEBOOK POSTING: “I’m watching Saltburn.”

People actually thought that simply saying they were watching the year’s most divisive film was worth sharing with the masses. They either were afraid to divulge their opinion on it for fear of being canceled or they were unable to come up with an opinion on it, and so, they threw it out there for their “friends” to tell them what to think. Either way, my response was always, “So???”

WORST MOVIE: Wonka

There were meh new songs in this unasked-for prequel to Roald Dahl’s classic about the chocolate factory, and human chicken wing Timothée Chalamet (and the script) suggested absolutely nothing of the dark twinkle that ends up motivating Willy. And of course, it was a big hit.

SECOND WORST: The Killer

David Fincher’s pretentious drama takes you through the tediously elaborate thought processes of a hit man, as if hit men don’t just go, “Gotta do a job! Off I go!”

THE “NEXT TIME I PRODUCE A MOVIE BASED ON MY MEMOIRS, PLEASE REMIND ME TO GIVE MYSELF A PERSONALITY” GAFFIE GOES TO…

Priscilla. She had none!

WORST HOST: Jo Koy at the Golden Globes

And no, I don’t need to know that he’s normally funny any more than I crave learning that Tucker Carlson can occasionally be charming. Koy lost me at, “We cook our fish!” and went downhill from there. And when you couldn’t dislike him more, he blamed the writers!

WORST MEDIA AGENDA: It’s the best economy in decades, but the media has decided that’s useless since the public doesn’t think it’s good. And it never occurs to them that the reason the public doesn’t think it’s good is because the media keeps telling them it isn’t! What’s more, this sour trend is still going strong in ’24. On the same day in January, the New York Times ran these two headlines: “The U.S. Seems to Be Dodging a Recession. What Could Go Wrong?” and “The Market Has Had a Fabulous Run, but This Peak Doesn’t Really Matter.” You can’t make this stuff up.

LEAST EFFECTIVE BOYCOTTS: For convoluted reasons, the right wing furiously decided to withdraw all support of Barbie, Taylor Swift, the Super Bowl, and New York. Gee, how did that work out?

THE REASON THE BORDER BECAME AN ISSUE AGAIN: Because the price of eggs went down.

WORST FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT OF THE YEAR: The Denver production of Beetlejuice. For the young ‘uns, there was a wacky kiddie musical going on onstage, whereas for the grownups, Rep. Lauren Boebert was giving hand jobs in the audience. The result was immersive theater at its most schizophrenically awful.

MOST CLICHED PLAYTHING FOR THE BORGEOISIE: Podcasts! (Winner for several years running)

Simply everyone has to have one! It’s an ego -oosting way to blather on about any topic you want, though no one actually listens, except for your friends who are on hold, waiting to be plugged in as your “guest stars.” What’s more, no income whatsoever is to be derived from this project, but still, you’ve obediently heeded those sycophants who insisted, “You should do a podcast” and now you’re a gigantic media star in your own mind.

THE DYING BREED WE’RE MOST HAPPY TO BE GETTING RID OF: Ageists! Especially misogynistic ones! As Cher, Barbra Streisand, and Dolly Parton all soared with new projects, anyone complaining about these divas’ ages found that their rants got old really fast.

WORST BOOK: The Woman in Me by Britney Spears. I read it standing up in a bookstore and could barely fill five minutes with it! As a literary work, it’s not that long, with rather large print, and it basically confirmed my suspicion that Britney should have read a book before she wrote one. Brit even issued a post-facto apology if she hurt people’s feelings. Yeah, mine! But don’t worry, when she’s 78 and doing a rock album, I will applaud her!

Want more Gaffies? For the 2022 and 2023 editions of our annual awards, click here and click here.

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Michael Musto is a columnist, pop cultural and political pundit, NYC nightlife chronicler, author, and the go-to gossip responsible for the long-running (1984-2013) Village Voice column, “La Dolce Musto.” His work appears on this website as well as Queerty.com and thedailybeast.com, and he is writing for the new Village Voice, which made its debut in April of 2021. Follow Musto on Instagram, via @michaelmusto.

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