BY MICHAEL MUSTO | The Academy Awards are coming on March 2—but the annual Gaffie Awards have already arrived, and they’re non-returnable. Here are my esteemed honors for the rottenest achievements in the year in cinema:

JUST DESSERTS: Denzel Washington reportedly did a scene-stealing gay kiss in Gladiator II, but the moment was nervously cut out. Poor Denzel…yet this seemed somehow fitting, since he’s the one who back in the day told Will Smith not to kiss a man in a movie!

GROSSEST SCENE: Daniel Craig and his boy toy spitting out gigantic, pulsing blood balloons in a surrealistic scene in Queer. Denzel would have puked. Though that was nothing compared to the last, I don’t know, five hours of The Substance, lol.

I WOULDN’T WANT TO SPEND FIVE MINUTES WITH THE LEAD CHARACTER IN… | Hard Truths. The movie is 97 minutes long.

MEANWHILE, NOSFERATU WAS TWO HOURS AND 12 MINUTES OF SCREAMING… | All coming from me, as I frantically looked for the exit. Blech!

BUT THE YEAR’S MOST OBNOXIOUS CHARACTERS OF ALL WERE IN… | Francis Ford Coppola’s megaflop Megalopolis. The epic film—which conflates New York City with Ancient Rome—had a stunning look, but virtually every time the characters opened their mouths, they emitted smartass comments or evasions that made you want to smack them with a sausage. I defy anyone to get through the whole thing without crumbling like the Roman empire.

THEY REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER! | A lot! No, really! A whole lot! In fact, they created a safe sisterhood profoundly founded on their undying mutual adoration! Naturally, I’m talking about Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande, the stars of Wicked. No, really!

ANGELINA WAS FINE, BUT… | They shouldn’t have ended Maria with real footage of the mesmerizing Maria Callas lighting up the screen. I’m just sayin’.

ANOTHER BIOPIC CLICHE WE NEED TO BAN FOREVER… | The titular icon is being interviewed for a documentary—whether real or imagined—which leads to all kinds of revelations, memories and flashbacks. Ugh.

CATEGORY FRAUD | The wonderful Danielle Deadwyler was definitely the female lead in The Piano Lesson, but for awards purposes, she was put into supporting categories. Yes, I know the same role was considered featured on Broadway—for the Tony award—but who cares? That’s usually based on billing. Danielle dominates the film more than any other actor, and I’m sick of Black talent being stuck in lesser categories because they have a better chance to win that way. (I’m talking about YOU, Zoe Saldana.) To add insult to injury, Danielle didn’t even get the nomination! Again! (She was snubbed for 2022’s Till.)

A VERY RARE TWIST ON THAT PHENOM… | Cynthia Erivo was put in the running for Best Actress, while Ariana Grande was placed in Supporting. But they love each other!

I LIKED NIGHTBITCH, BUT… | [Spoiler alert!!!] The plot’s wrap-up was absurd, where Amy Adams has a few days to herself and as a result, she suddenly re-ignites her joy of being an artist, grasps the true value of motherhood and is ready to plop out another baby, while realizing that it’s painful, but totally worth it. Oh, mama! Spare me.

EVERYONE TRASHED JOKER: FOLIE A DEUX… | But it was good—even better than the real-life Joker (a/k/a Luigi Mangione). I think the main problem critics and audiences had with the film was that it was a dark psychological leap, complete with reinvented musical standards, whereas all they wanted was for him to kill, kill, kill.

TRASH TALK OF THE YEAR: Tony winner Laura Benanti blasted Zachary Levi (Shazam!), with whom she did a Broadway show in 2016. She said Levi “mansplained” all the cast’s parts to them and generally sucked all the energy out of the room. Worse, he more recently used the sad occasion of costar Gavin Creel’s death to spread covid vaccine hooey in a video. Stated Benanti: “For him to use Gavin’s memory – a person he was not friends with – to use his memory for his political agenda and to watch him try to make himself cry until he had one single tear, which he did not wipe away, I was like ‘Fuck you, forever.’” And to that, I have to say, “THANK YOU, LAURA.”

MOST CONTROVERSIAL ENDING: “I was born with a uterus!” I’ll just leave that right there.

OK, movie lovers. See you at the Oscars. I love you more than life itself—No, really! And better luck next year.

BONUS CONTENT: And the Winners of Gaffie Awards Past Are…

Click Here for the March 6, 2024 Gaffie Awards

Click Here for the March 9, 2023 Gaffie Awards

Click Here for the March 20, 2022 Gaffie Award

Michael Musto is a columnist, pop cultural and political pundit, NYC nightlife chronicler, author, and the go-to gossip responsible for the long-running (1984-2013) Village Voice column, “La Dolce Musto.” His work appears on this website as well as Queerty.com and thedailybeast.com, and he is writing for the new Village Voice, which made its debut in April of 2021. Follow Musto on Instagram, via @michaelmusto.

Looks like we made it: A Google search for “The Gaffie Awards” led to the below screenshot, proving that AI has absorbed just the right amount of knowledge.

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